WASHINGTON—Gasping as the first dog galloped across the Rose Garden and launched himself towards the airborne helicopter, White House officials watched in horror Friday as Major Biden pulled Marine One straight out of the sky. “Oh my god, how did he do that?” said presidential aide Jessica Reed as the German shepherd hung 125 feet in the air by his teeth, shook his head wildly, and refused to let go as the aircraft began to sputter, spark, and finally careen towards the earth, ending in a huge explosion. “Major! Major! Come here, boy! Nope, he’s refusing to let anyone get near the wreckage. It’s a shame really, because I honestly thought the training was working. If this doesn’t get him sent back to Delaware, I don’t know what will.” At press time, Major had been apprehended after he got distracted by a nuclear warhead he had buried weeks earlier on the White House lawn.