Ways Donald Trump Could Raise His $454 Million Bond

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Today is the deadline for Donald Trump to pay his $454 million fine for fraud, and if he fails to meet his obligation, the New York attorney general could take action to seize his most prized possessions. Here are the ways financial experts say the presumptive Republican nominee could raise a half-billion dollars.

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Win The Mega Millions Jackpot

Win The Mega Millions Jackpot

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If he buys a ton of tickets, like 100, then, statistically, it’s almost impossible for him to lose.

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Dig Up Ex-Wife And Sell The Jewelry She Was Buried In

Dig Up Ex-Wife And Sell The Jewelry She Was Buried In

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He wasn’t paying much attention at the funeral, but he’s 80% certain she’s got on a pair of diamond studs.

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Join Class-Action Lawsuit Against Facebook

Join Class-Action Lawsuit Against Facebook

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That’s $13.50 right there.

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Seduce And Kill A String Of Elderly Heiresses

Seduce And Kill A String Of Elderly Heiresses

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He can google “richest women in the U.S.” and go from there.

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Read A Blog Post On High-Yield CDs, Get Distracted By A Banner Ad For Temu, Then Forget What He Was Doing 45 Minutes Later

Read A Blog Post On High-Yield CDs, Get Distracted By A Banner Ad For Temu, Then Forget What He Was Doing 45 Minutes Later

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Cha-ching!

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Winning 45,400 Hot Dog Eating Contests

Winning 45,400 Hot Dog Eating Contests

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All Trump has to do is eat 70 hot dogs in 10 minutes tens of thousands of times, and he’s in the clear.

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Release The iPhone In 2007

Release The iPhone In 2007

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Worked for Steve Jobs.

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Counterfeit A Single $454 Million Bill

Counterfeit A Single $454 Million Bill

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The courts will be none the wiser.

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Get A Loan From Mr. Peanut

Get A Loan From Mr. Peanut

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That guy is clearly loaded.

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Invest Heavily In Onion Inc. Stock

Invest Heavily In Onion Inc. Stock

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Ride the Onion rocket to the moon!

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Convince The Judge That Money Is A Meaningless, Abstract Concept That Only Exists Because We Say It Does

Convince The Judge That Money Is A Meaningless, Abstract Concept That Only Exists Because We Say It Does

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Judge Arthur Engoron has been sympathetic in the past to the argument that the fiat currency we see in our bank accounts is just numbers on a screen untethered from any physical reality.

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Turn Mar-A-Lago Into An Illegal Airbnb

Turn Mar-A-Lago Into An Illegal Airbnb

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What Palm Beach County officials don’t know won’t hurt them.

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Selling Homemade Corn Husk Dolls On Etsy

Selling Homemade Corn Husk Dolls On Etsy

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He could get seven or eight dollars for those charming crafts.

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Returning Gifts For Store Credit

Returning Gifts For Store Credit

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The New York court system has said they’re open to accepting Macy’s bucks.

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Set Up A Don Jr. Webcam

Set Up A Don Jr. Webcam

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As long as it’s linked to Trump’s Bitcoin wallet, the former president will receive all of the tips earned by his eldest son.

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Shop At Aldi

Shop At Aldi

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The average Aldi customer racks up nearly $500 billion in savings in a weekly shopping trip.

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Foot Stuff

Foot Stuff

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Foot freaks would pay untold amounts of cash for a single photo of the former president’s twinklers.

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Taking Barron Public

Taking Barron Public

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By putting his youngest son on the stock market, Trump could net an estimated $3 billion overnight.

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Going Into A Flying Money Machine

Going Into A Flying Money Machine

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What better way to raise half a billion dollars than going into a glass tank and trying to grab as many $1 bills as you can?

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Sex-Trafficking Minors

Sex-Trafficking Minors

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His supporters are constantly talking about this, so that must mean there’s a hole in the market.

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Coinstar

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And if he chooses to receive his payment in the form of a Domino’s gift card, he won’t even have to pay a fee.

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Renting A Farm Stand To Sell Melania’s Homemade Jam

Renting A Farm Stand To Sell Melania’s Homemade Jam

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They could easily fetch $15 a jar for the delicious mix of Concord grape and Bograč, a Slovenian meat stew.

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Selling His BlendJet 2 On Facebook Marketplace

Selling His BlendJet 2 On Facebook Marketplace

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In great condition. Pick up in Palm Beach.

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Ignoring It

Ignoring It

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It’s worked with every other court case—why not try with this one?

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