The Onion’s Guide To The 2021 Oscars

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Best Supporting Actor

Best Supporting Actor

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Sacha Baron Cohen

Sacha Baron Cohen

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  • Acting Techniques: Coordinated ambush
  • Acceptance Speech Style: Scolding liberal
  • Fun fact: A win would make Cohen the first Oscar-winner to get trapped in an elephant’s vagina onscreen.

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Daniel Kaluuya

Daniel Kaluuya

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  • Is Daniel Kaluuya A Good Actor?: What are we a search engine? How about you watch a few movies and have the bravery to form your own opinions instead of insecurely asking the internet what to think.
  • Prospects: If he doesn’t win, could probably get increasingly guilty white Oscar voters to give him the Fred Hampton Lifetime Achievement Award.
  • Wait, If Fred Hampton Is The Supporting Character In This Movie, Who Is The Main One?: The United States of America

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Leslie Odom, Jr.

Leslie Odom, Jr.

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  • Best Known For: Those stupid fucking Nationwide ads where musicians sing the Nationwide jingle as if it’s an actual song with meaning instead of a soul-dreading earworm phrase concocted in a lab, so you’ll throw a little bit more of your hard-earned money at the people who are already fucking you over every day
  • Prospects: Doesn’t even matter because nothing will ever wash away the humiliation of doing those Nationwide ads
  • Nominated For: He was wearing a leather jacket and sitting on a stage and there was a double bass or something, like this was an authentic moment in his life? God, it was just so wretched.

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Paul Raci

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  • Vibe: Dad’s Friend
  • Acting Style: Ponytailed
  • Career High: Being nominated for but not winning this Oscar

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Lakeith Stanfield

Lakeith Stanfield

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  • Favorite Pocket Snack: Baby corns
  • Motivation: In an effort to win, Stanfield has worked extensively with the FBI to frame, arrest, and ultimately murder his competitor for the award, Daniel Kaluuya.
  • Career Goals: Having starred in Selma, Get Out, Uncut Gems, and Knives Out, Stanfield hopes to push himself to take roles beyond Hollywood’s most acclaimed films of the decade.

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Best Supporting Actress

Best Supporting Actress

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Maria Bakalova

Maria Bakalova

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  • Career Beginnings: Yet another Hollywood actress churned out by the talent farm that is the Bulgarian film industry
  • Acting style: Slavic
  • Real Age: 11

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Glenn Close

Glenn Close

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  • Hey, Mama Mia!: That’s Meryl Streep
  • Number Of Days She’s Continued Speaking In Appalachian Accent After Film Wrapped Up Shooting: 427
  • Best Known For: Movies

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Olivia Colman

Olivia Colman

  • Controversy: Continues to win American acting awards as if tens of thousands didn’t perish in the Revolutionary War to stop the British from taking our trophies
  • Signature Move: Smiling gawkily, looking slightly surprised in an innocent way, becoming increasingly stern, and then shouting
  • Career High: Being here with you in this slideshow

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Amanda Seyfried

Amanda Seyfried

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  • Preparation For The Role: Underwent a painful, experimental surgery to swap her eyeballs with those of a dog
  • Natural Hair Color: None of your fucking business you misogynistic piece of shit
  • Expected Acceptance Speech Topic: Nothing, as she plans to stare at the audience, making disconcerting eye contact with each one of them, before leaving the stage 3 minutes later.

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Youn Yuh-Jung

Youn Yuh-Jung

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  • First Role: This, as far as you know, you uncultured moron
  • Oscar Ceremony Goals: Get Gary Oldman’s number
  • Advice To Aspiring Actors: “Kiss the ring, motherfuckers.”

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Best Director

Best Director

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Thomas Vinterberg

Thomas Vinterberg

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  • Filmmaking Style: Cofounder of the Dogme 95 movement, Vinterberg adheres so strictly to guerilla filmmaking rules that he doesn’t know he’s made a film until it’s nominated for an Oscar
  • Muse: Mads Mikkelsen, just like the rest of us
  • Danish: Ja

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David Fincher

David Fincher

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  • Directing Style: Middlebrow
  • Filmmaking Method: A perfectionist who makes every actor in the movie learn every one of their lines and appear in each scene in which their character is written, only allowing them to return to their families after they have completed filming all scenes for their role in the movie
  • Euphemism For Overbearing Personality: Perfectionist

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Lee Isaac Chung

Lee Isaac Chung

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  • Biggest Influence: Free farming games for mobile
  • Secrets Of The Trade: Achieved natural performances in Minari by just filming a random family in secret who to this day have no idea they were on camera
  • Notable For: Increasing visibility of Arkansans in film and media

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Chloé Zhao

Chloé Zhao

  • Time Until Critical Backlash Comes For Her: 8.7 months
  • Top Three Favorite Kinds Of Land: Chaparral, wilderness, tundra
  • Lie She Tells Herself In Front Of Mirror Every Morning: “Just one Marvel paycheck and I swear I’m out of there.”

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Emerald Fennell

Emerald Fennell

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  • Favorite Camera Button: White balance adjuster
  • Nationality: Foreigner
  • Rich Dad?: Rich Dad

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Best Actor

Best Actor

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Riz Ahmed

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  • Role Nominated For: The protagonist of The Sound Of Metal, a guy who can’t stop dropping his fork
  • Preparation For Film: Method actor who blasted air horns next to both ears until they bled
  • Best Swet Shop Boys Song: Shoes Off

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Chadwick Boseman

Chadwick Boseman

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  • Philanthropy: When Black Panther came out, Boseman donated $10,000 to the Boys and Girls Club of Harlem to provide free tickets for children to see Adam Devine–vehicle When We First Met in theaters
  • I Saw A Picture Of Him With RBG In Heaven: You’re on the embarrassing part of the internet
  • Future Projects: You’re going to want to sit down for this

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Anthony Hopkins

Anthony Hopkins

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  • Royal Designation: In 1993, Hopkins was knighted by Queen Elizabeth for his exemplary work in cannibalism
  • Age: Ripe
  • Bedtime: 8:30
  • Known For: The Silence Of The Lambs, King Lear, even Bad Company with Chris Rock, but definitely not The Father

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Gary Oldman

Gary Oldman

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  • Character Work: A versatile actor, Oldman has played a convincing villain in a handful of blockbusters and 5 marriages
  • First Role: Cast as Seamus Finnegan in the Harry Potter franchise at 11-years-old. Oldman thrilled over the ensuing decades by growing up right before their eyes
  • Real Job: Oldman maintains a full-time position as a supermarket cashier to supplement his modest acting income

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Steven Yeun

Steven Yeun

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  • Languages Spoken: English, Korean, and Michigan
  • Ranking On Hunk-O-Meter: Yowza!
  • Controversies: Background in improv comedy
  • Character Motivation: Always wants to know who his character is and why he isn’t, at this moment, running out to buy a delicious hamburger

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Best Actress

Best Actress

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Viola Davis

Viola Davis

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  • Birthplace: Shondaland, ABC
  • How She Transformed Herself For The Role: Davis used makeup and prosthetics like a goddamn professional, not risking her health by binge-eating, Bale
  • Off-Screen Hobbies: Method gardening

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Andra Day

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  • Favorite Jazz Artist: Jason Mraz
  • Scootily Bee Ba-Bop Da Do Bop: A Skeeby deeby doo bop
  • Historical Idol: Feels a lot of pressure now to say Billie Holiday

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Vanessa Kirby

Vanessa Kirby

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  • Nationality: Bri’ish
  • Pip Pip: Cheerio!
  • Why Was She Nominated: Five seemed like a good number of nominees

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Frances McDormand

Frances McDormand

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  • What’s Next: McDormand is quietly developing a second facial expression
  • Coen Brother She Married To: Joel Monday through Wednesday, Ethan Thursday through Sunday
  • Career Goal: Increase the representation of Frances McDormand in film

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Carey Mulligan

Carey Mulligan

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  • Believability Level Of American Accent: 86%
  • Political Causes: Serbian nationalism
  • Preparation For The Role: Determinedly lived in the world as a woman for 35 years straight

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Best Picture

Best Picture

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The Father

The Father

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  • Synopsis: Watch what happened to your grandmother happen to Anothony Hopkins
  • Defining Line: “Aim for his head! He’s got… progressive memory loss”
  • Prospects: Far bleaker than the film itself

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Judas And The Black Messiah

Judas And The Black Messiah

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  • Synopsis: One of the more famous times the FBI just straight-up murdered a guy and nothing happened
  • Defining Line: “I’m telling the FBI on you!”
  • Prospects: Though it’s anti-racist message is more relevant than ever, Green Book pretty much already covered that

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Mank

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  • Synopsis: A man you just met talks to you about his screenplay for two hours
  • Defining Line: “Damnit, I forgot to cancel my free trial of Final Draft before they charged me”
  • Prospects: Zero! That’s what you get when you come after William Randolph Hearst!

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Minari

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  • Synopsis: A family of Korean immigrants strive to just be in a normal movie about a family without everyone tripping over themselves shouting about how groundbreaking it is
  • Defining Line: “Seriously what the fuck were we thinking? Arkansas?”
  • Prospects: No way the Oscars have the guts to go back to back on struggling Korean families

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Nomadland

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  • Synopsis: Road trip!!!!!
  • Defining Line: “It’s bison—the terms aren’t interchangeable. Buffalo are native to Africa and Asia, while bison are found in North America and Europe. Now let’s shave it to see what it would look like bald”
  • Prospects: Who knows, man. You just make something you like and that you think is good, and you put it out there into the world. That’s all you can do really

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Promising Young Woman

Promising Young Woman

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  • Synopsis: A woman badly needs a haircut but no one in her life will tell her to her face
  • Defining Line: “Hey, did you put nothing in my drink?”
  • Prospects: Winning? What’s winning, compared to revenge?

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Sound Of Metal

Sound Of Metal

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  • Synopsis: After going deaf, a drummer must learn how to drum with his eyes
  • Defining Line: You know what? You’re right. Music sucks
  • Prospects: Another leading contender absolutely sunk by terrible costume design. We’re looking at you, Megan Stark Evans. Congratulations, you blew it. You lost a film a surefire Best Picture with your ridiculous clothing selections. A buffoonish, brutal career-ending display

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The Trial Of The Chicago 7

The Trial Of The Chicago 7

Illustration for article titled The Onion’s Guide To The 2021 Oscars

  • Synopsis: Aaron Sorkin tells the incredible story of what Aaron Sorkin decided happened in 1968 Chicago
  • Defining Line: “The Chicago 7, Unite!”
  • Prospects: Sure

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