Tensions Escalate As Israel Closes Embassy Inside Ben & Jerry’s Factory

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JERUSALEM—Following the ice cream manufacturer’s decision to stop selling its products in occupied Palestinian territory, Israel escalated tensions Thursday by closing its embassy inside Ben & Jerry’s factory. “Ben & Jerry’s hostile actions have left the nation of Israel with no choice but to close our embassy near the churning machines inside their Vermont factory,” said Israeli prime minister Naftali Bennett, explaining that the Israeli ambassador to Ben & Jerry’s would be pulled immediately with no current plans to reinstate him to the ice cream production floor. “Due to national security priorities, we will be maintaining our presence in the greater Vermont area in a diminished capacity at a nearby scoop shop until further notice. We do this from a position of strength and to send a signal to all confectionary companies who dare undermine Israel’s sovereignty over occupied lands that no ice cream is good enough to tolerate this treatment, not even Chunky Monkey.” At press time, Häagen-Dazs agreed to act as a third-party mediator to help resolve the conflict.