Panicked Man Wondering If There Something He Doesn’t Know After Child Tax Credit Hits Bank Account

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FORT COLLINS, CO—Feeling panicked and bewildered by the unexpected deposit, local 30-year-old Dean Osterman was reportedly wondering Thursday if there was something he didn’t know about after a payment from the child tax credit program hit his bank account. “Wait, what? Oh jeez, no, but that’s impossible,” said Osterman, who swore under his breath and wracked his brains as he tried to run through a mental list of every sexual encounter he had ever had. “I mean, I’ll take the $300, but this has to be a mistake, right? There’s no way, there’s just no way. I know she was on the pill. Shit. Maybe there was another round of stimulus payments I didn’t know about? Or maybe they just decided to give it to childless single people, too? Ah, fuck. I gotta get out of here.” At press time, a second payment had hit Osterman’s account.