O.J. Simpson Allowed To Remain Living After Coffin Doesn’t Fit

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LAS VEGAS—With onlookers gasping as the former football star made a big show of being too big for the casket, O.J. Simpson was reportedly allowed to remain alive Thursday after his coffin didn’t fit. “If the coffin doesn’t fit, you must let him live a bit.” said O.J. eulogizer Tommie Lochran, who advocated for Simpson to continue living despite evidence that the coffin had shrunk after previously getting wet. “Any DNA found in the casket that appears to be Mr. Simpson’s, I believe, was the result of contamination. It would be existential malpractice to allow Mr. Simpson to die knowing full well that this coffin was not made for him.” At press time, Simpson went on a media blitz promoting his escape from death.