CUPERTINO, CA—Still sporting the fishnet tights, spiked metal collar, and brightly colored pasties he had worn to the festival, late-returning Burning Man attendee Greg Schaffer was forced Tuesday to drive his fantastical wooden ship straight to work. “So sorry I’m late, my fellow burners and I got stuck on the highway and it took us forever to transcend the physical realm,” said the mud- and dirt-caked Schaffer, who quickly peeled into the corporate parking lot, told his topless female crew to sit tight, and hurriedly sprinted into the office. “Truthfully, I would have been here sooner, but I got stuck in this awesome orgy and then I let some guy in a bird mask ride me around like a horse for two hours in exchange for this awesome turquoise skull. Would anyone be willing to barter for some coffee? I’m still hallucinating from the psychedelic mushrooms I took this morning.” At press time, Schaffer was relieved after watching the parking lot fill up with other burning man attendees forced to ride winged unicycles, drive a bus shaped like a cat, or fly a giant metal dragon.